Thursday, December 18, 2014

With Medical Help Like This...

So this morning, I'm lying on my bed, on hold with the doctor's office.

Down the hall, the dogs are bugged that I'm not playing with them, so they're playing with each other. Not sure what started it, but there was the sound of a squabble, and "Doctor Murphy" came running down the hall with "Nurse Belle" hot on his heels. In an effort to escape her, Murphy jumped up on my bed with a beautiful flying leap, landing squarely on my stomach. And Belle, in her zeal to catch him, made a similar flying leap, only her paws came down on my just a bit south of my stomach.

So did I get an apology for this one-two rabbit punch from my own canine posse? Not even! Murphy tried to hide behind me and Belle chomped him once then ran off, at which point, Murphy decided that it wasn't over yet and lit out in pursuit. By the time that the receptionist came back on the phone, I was just getting back to the point where I could breathe and talk again, and the dingbat duo were engaged in what sounded like a full-on brawl upstairs in the guest bedroom that they're not even supposed to be in.

I knew that I should have gotten hamsters instead of German Shepherds. Hamsters don't jump on your stomach or kick you in the junk. And even if they did, who cares? hamsters weigh like four ounces, not eighty pounds.

Can this be Death?

0200 more or less. Just called in sick.

Nature of illness: r/o dying.

Yep. Shuffling off my mortal coil...about to run down the curtain and join the bleeding choir invisible. 

The call-taker at work, not catching the reference, actually asked me to spell "mortal coil" then asked if that was work related. 

Yeah, we only hire the finest cultural philistines at my place. Maybe I shoulda put it in rap form. They'd have all instantly understood that.

I explained that it was a sudden vision problem, as in "I can't see my ass going in today."

And someone really needs to explain to these freaking dogs why this is NOT a good time to start another round of "Wookie Wrestlemania" in my bedroom and on. My. Freaking. Bed. 
I will miss them if they don't stop..

Peace out, y'all. Powering down.

Cue lame public service commercial.

Cue National Anthem.

Insert test pattern here.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014


And not really feeling like blogging today, so here--have some Ingrid Olava, an up-and-comer from Lillehammer, Norway.

I'll post stuff tomorrow if I don't die today.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014


Not long ago, I was at my local range to do some shooting, when I met a man there raffling off an M-1 Garand for the state rifle club'd youth program. I bought a few tickets, remarking that I could always use another Garand. The man asked me what kind I had. I asked him what he meant, and he asked what manufacture of Garand I had.

I told him that I had the spectrum covered. And kinda I do.
But a youth program always deserves support, so I suppose that I could take a chance on another one, since it's for a good cause and all.

Morning Shenanigans--The Murph Strikes Back

So it's morning. I put the dogs out in the run for a bit. I go back into the kitchen and fill the dog bowls with food, and after a suitable time, I go back to the door to let them in.

There's only one dog there. Belle has gone over the fence yet again.

So I let Murphy in, and I give a shout for Belle, knowing that she will just come to the kitchen patio door to get back in. Murphy and I walk into the kitchen, and sure enough, Belle is already at the patio door, waiting.

Murphy, the eternal opportunist, takes one look at Belle on the other side of the door, and then he walks over to HER bowl and begins eating her breakfast right in front of her. And yes, it was deliberate; he had to walk several feet past his own dish to get to hers.

Belle. Goes. Insane.

I wish that I could have gotten pics or video of Belle, up on her hind legs, banging on the window with her front paws while barking dog curses at Murphy.

Needless to say, a bit of canine finessing was required as I booted him back to his own food and brought her in, careful to ensure that she didn't rush over and give Murphy the tune-up that he had coming. Belle takes her food very seriously indeed.

But the crisis moment passed. Belle came in, stared daggers at Murphy, then went to her bowl to eat what was left of her breakfast while hopefully realizing that had she been at the right door at the right time instead of leaving the run, she'd have been able to come in and get her food before someone else took it.

And yes, I did give her a bit extra to make up for what Murphy took.

And now that breakfast is over, they're out on the deck, playing nice together, with the incident apparently forgotten.


Monday, December 15, 2014

Screwed By Your Attorney?

You should have hired Amber Lunsford. She promises to get you off.

In Modesto, California, a criminal defender was caught red-handed--and red-faced--sitting astride a shackled inmate that she was supposed to be representing. When the sheriff's deputy looked in on them, he reports that she was on his lap with her hand down his jumpsuit, and his hand was up her skirt.
The sheriff said when Lunsford and Montalvo spotted the deputy, the attorney immediately got up and pushed down her skirt.

Lunsford told the deputy, “I guess this visit is over,” according to Christianson. The inmate and the defense attorney were searched to ensure no contraband was exchanged.

The attorney asked the deputy, “Is there any way we cannot make a big deal about this?” according to the sheriff.

Lunsford was detained for a few hours while the contact between her and the inmate--a hispanic gang member charged with robbery and murder--was investigated. As of this writing, the Sheriff has banned Lunsford from the jail, meaning that she cannot visit that inmate or any others, and letters have been sent to every judge hearing a case in which she's representing an inmate.

However Lunsford, far from being repentant, has hired her own attorney to call the Sheriff and his deputies "liars" and work behind the scenes to ensure that she's not criminally charged. This makes me pose the question of why she's worried about criminal charges if nothing actually happened? Oh, that's right...SHE'S the victim here, at least according to her own lawyer.

At least she's kinda cute.

I got her picture from her little law office website, Lunsford Legal Group. It contains some pure comedy gold.
"Unlike many attorneys who promote their experience prosecuting crimes, Amber Lunsford has been fighting for people accused of crimes, people like you, for her entire career."
Of course she was only admitted to the bar in 2011, so her "career" spans maybe three years at best, assuming that daddy set her up with an office on the day she was admitted.

Still, she claims to have considerable legal experience in certain areas:
Ms. Lunsford also has a long commitment to defending people accused of sexual offenses.
Well that ought to come in handy if she decides to represent herself.

But the funniest part of her little online CV was this part:
The courtroom is a serious place. You need a serious lawyer who you can trust. A lawyer who sees you as an individual. A lawyer who will treat you as an important member of your trial team...
and, I'm guessing, a lawyer who will give you a lapdance and a handjob, all while charging the taxpayers $85.00 an hour if you claim to be indigent.

I note for the record that I did not actually see a picture of a brass stripper pole in the pictures of her office, but I'm willing to bet that there's one there.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

A Great Disturbance In The Force

Did you feel it? It was as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

Actually it wasn't really that bad. But Murphy and Belle got their Christmas baths this afternoon and there's definitely an air of "pissed off" in the Lair at present.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

And you thought that today's lawyers are bad...

Just wait until the current crop of law school students pass the bar and begin inflicting themselves on society.

First we have the students at Columbia University who demanded--and got--extensions on their exams because they wanted to run around protesting instead of study were "traumatized" over the Ferguson and Eric Garner Grand Jury decisions. Supposedly the spoiled brats at Harvard Law and Georgetown Law Schools are now demanding the same special treatment now.

Seriously, if these coddled kids are so upset about something that happened to someone that they don't know in someplace that most of them have never been and never will go, how exactly are they going to be able to deal with the real world when they get out in actual practice.

"Yo' Honor, I can't represent my client today because I'm all sad and angry about a news story that I saw on the TV, so please just reschedule today's case even though everyone else is ready for trial, ok? And if you don't, you're racist and insensitive!"

And now we have the special snowflakes at UCLA Law, who are raging mad because they were asked a final exam question about the antics of Mike Brown's step-father in ferguson.

UCLA law professor learns Ferguson-related exam question taboo

And again, because a handful of perpetually-pampered brats are upset, the adults in charge cave in. Here, the professor who asked the question on his exam decided after the fact to throw it out and not grade it, basically rewarding the whiners and totally boning anyone who actually chose to answer that question and devote some of his or her allotted test time to it. How unfair is that?

These kids--these alleged "adults" who are soon to be lawyers if they can just get past a simple bar exam--are so empotionally fragile that they can't even be asked to discuss a topic on First Amendment grounds and make an actual argument one way or the other. That's ridiculous and it should be grounds for expulsion from law school, not accomodations. I mean, with this sort of emotional stability, about the only thing that these crybabies will ever be qualified to do is flip burgers...and maybe teach at a law school.

Saturday Man Movie

1979 had a few good movies. Warriors was one of them.

Made me want to go see New York City.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Another Illegal Sues America After Getting Hurt Smuggling Drugs In.

So here we have Jose Manuel Marino-Najera, one of Obama's "DREAMers"...just here to work, right? And this nice gang of drug smugglers offered to help him get into our country if he'd just carry some of their dope...

And now he's suing us all because, while he was here illegally, bringing dope into our communities, a Border Patrol dog bit him.

Man who crossed border with drugs sues U.S. after claiming Border Patrol K-9 mauled him

First of all, I don't buy his story for a second. Just sleeping when a dog walked up and began chewing on him? Doubt it. That's not how police K-9 dogs work. But the real bite here is the fact that this guy, after being convicted of his part in the drug smuggling and serving six months in jail for it, was never deported and is still in our country! (Thanks Obama and Boehner!)

And sincesewage flows downhill, it's not surprising that he'd find fellow scumbag attorney Bill Risner, who appears to be only too happy to turn on his country and help enrich a border-hopping, drug-smuggling foreign national.

In a perfect country, we'd have a huge border fence running the entire length of our border with Mexico, and we'd have some big catapults to flip illegals like Marino-Najera back over the fence and into Mexico again after they finish their jail terms...and sell-outs like Risner and the losers who buy narcotics would get tossed, too.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

To my lawyer friends

You know who you are.

Credit: Pearls Before Swine.

Victim Turns The Tables On Would-Be Robber, Shoots Him With His Own Gun

So in Washington DC, a place where it's illegal to carry guns, an 18 year old named Channel Johnson (seriously!) tried to rob a man with a shotgun.

Unfortunately for Channel, his intended victim grabbed the shotgun from Channel and shot him dead with it. (And yes, I'm smiling as I type this.) As a result, Channel got switched off permanently.

Man kills robber after wresting shotgun away from attacker, D.C. police say
A man who was being robbed in Southeast Washington on Wednesday wrested a shotgun away from a gunman and fatally shot his attacker, D.C. police said on Thursday.

The man who died was identified as Channel Johnson, 18, of Southeast. Police said they questioned the man who was robbed but have not filed charges. The incident has been classified as a death investigation, and is continuing. Police initially said Johnson was shot in the back. He died at an area hospital.

As of this time, the local media is searching for a relative who will give the standard teary pronouncment about how "he was a good boy...just getting ready to turn his life around and get a job and everything." It's also reported that Al Sharpton announced that he was going to speak at Channel's funeral, but then he found out that no white police officers were responsible for Channel's death and he canceled.

It's not known where or when Channel Johnson's funeral will be, but if you want to attend, I'm told that the obligatory funeral t-shirts with his picture on them can be obtained from any one of his close relations.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

A Dog Day Morning.

Every now and again, I screw up like I did this past weekend and I forget to turn my alarm clock off.

Normally, I have to get up at 0330 for work. But this past week-end, I was tired after getting home after my last day at work and I forgot to turn the alarm off. No surprise, it went off as programmed at 0330 on a day that I did not have to get up.

Of course first there were those few seconds when I work up thinking that I did have to go to work. There was the requisite groan and the curse and I was about half way out of bed before it dawned on me that this was my day off, accompanied by that sweet realization I could sleep in as long as I wanted. I was still smiling as I switched the alarm off and began to lay back down...

Cue the cattle.

Murphy and Belle both run up to the side of my bed, ready to start the day. You see, they don't understand things like "days off" and "accidental alarm"--they just want two things that they're used to when they hear that sound:

Murphy: "Outside, outside, outside..."
Belle: "Food, food, food..."

Me: "Sorry guys--false alarm. Go back to bed.

Out, out, out!
Food! Food! Food!"

No, dogs! It's Sunday morning. We sleep in on Sunday mornings. Go lay down.

"Out! Out! Out!"
"Food! Food! Food!"

And now Belle is reaching across my bed to swat me with her paw while Murphy is standing beside her and vocalizing his demand with an oscillating growl. This shit is not gonna quit until I do something. A swipe with a pillow takes Belle out, but Murphy is more experienced and he just jumps back and barks at me from the far corner of the room. The pillow is thrown towards the noise but misses.

Out! Out! Out!
Food! Food! Food!

Hamsters would not be doing this to me...just saying.

Look, mutts... This stops now! I'm the Boss! You're the dogs! ENOUGH!


So a compromise was reached. I got up. Two dogs were put outside. But when they came back in a couple of minutes later, the house lights were not on, and there was no food in the kitchen. Instead, they were directed back to bed, and, having had their morning run around their pen, they accepted this and laid back down.

Thank God.

Of course they were both back in at seven to let me know that the sun was kind of coming up, and Sunday or no, it was time to feed the dogs and let them out onto the deck to commence barking at the neighbors, at least until they get bored and scratch to come back inside and go back to bed for the day at around 0730 or so.


"This is definitely NOT four-star service..."

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Glock vs. Smith and Wesson: The Ghetto Challenge.

So which (stolen) pistol performs better--the Glock or the Smith and Wesson? Apparently two hoot rats in Louisiana decided to settle the question in the front seat of a car recently.

Tory Sanders, 35, of Marrero, and Byron Price, 26, of St. Rose, got into an argument during what police describe as a drug deal.

Drug deal gone bad: Driver and passenger shot each other dead in front seat before crashing into Marrero house, JPSO says
Sanders and Price were found inside a Buick Lacrosse that crashed into a house in the 1900 block of Gladstone Drive Friday around 8:25 p.m. The pair died from gunshot wounds, Fortunato said Saturday.

Evidence at the scene suggests a drug transaction went awry and Sanders and Price fired on each other, Fortunato said. Sanders was in the driver's seat, while Price was in the passenger's seat, Fortunato said.

Authorities recovered a .40-caliber, semi-automatic Glock from Price's hand, which had been reported stolen in March 2014. Police also found a "substantial amount'' of marijuana in a large plastic bag tucked under Price's arm, Fortunato said.

A .40-caliber Smith & Wesson semi-automatic handgun was found in Sanders seat. Police recovered numerous spent shell casings and projectiles inside of the vehicle.

Price has criminal history including arrests for illegal use of a firearm while in possession of narcotics, illegal possession of stolen firearms, possession with intent to distribute marijuana and disturbing the peace by fighting, Fortunato said.

Sanders criminal record includes an arrest for marijuana.
Sadly, the police report doesn't specify the model numbers, so we don't know if Price had a full-size Model 22, a compact Model 23 or a sub-compact Model 27. Likewise, we don't know if Sanders' Smith and Wesson was a full-size or compact M&P or one of Smith's countless older models. But we do know one thing: Both performed as advertised in this impromptu shooting competition, and two criminals assumed room temperature shortly thereafter. The clear winner: The law-abiding citizens who live in their area and the taxpayers who no longer have to pay to deal with these two fools.

It's also reported that, when news of their deaths first broke, both Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson purchased first-class airline tickets to rush to the scene, but they canceled their travel plans just as soon as they found out that there were no white police officers involved.