Monday, March 07, 2011

Guide to Hippie Hunting

So I have this neighbor not too far away who is an unapologetic unreconstructed hippie. He's old now, but still wears his gray hair in a ponytail, wears sandals, and has honest-to-God peace symbols on his SUV...right next to the Obama sticker that replaced the Kerry sticker a few years ago. Apparently he never grew out of the 1960's (although the SUV puzzles me) and he's not shy when it comes to voicing his opinions on anything political, from the evil that was George Bush to the lack of any need at all for guns. And to be fair, in true hippie fashion, he refuses to lock his doors or windows, and says that if anyone needs what he has bad enough to break in and steal it, they are welcome to it, because if he (the hippie) cares about the property enough to kill over it, then he doesn't own it, it owns him, and he can't live like that. He is a true believer.

I told him that I could respect that, and I'm putting limit-of-fire stakes up on the edge of his property so that when the zombie hordes or bands of post-Obamacalypse looters are in his yard trying to gain entry to the house, I'll know not to fire on them.

He then asked me why I own guns. I said that I hunt. He asked me what I hunt, and I said "I hunt hippies."
"How do you do that?" he asked. (He's genuinely gullible, too.)
Well it's simple. And I explained, giving him a brief overview of the sport. In response, he bid me good day and stormed back into his house to have a cup of tea.

And to assist all my other usual readers out who might wish to take part in this fun and sometimes profitable hobby, I am publishing here my Guide to Hippie Hunting, 2011 edition.

Most hippies today can be found in run-down neighborhoods immediately adjacent to college campuses, or just about anywhere in liberal meccas such as San Francisco, Berkeley, Seattle, or Ann Arbor, Michigan. Look for them around old record stores, grocery co-ops, and head shops. Note that if your state recognizes the fiction of "medical marijuana", stores that sell such will likely be packed with old hippies, but these are generally considered off-limits to hunting as it's just too easy to find them there.

Hippies respond well to bait. Typically, the smell of burning marijuana or patchouli will draw them in like flies to dead stuff. Also effective: playing CDs of Janis Joplin, Jimmi Hendrix, Bob Dylan or Arlo Guthrie. If you play it, they will come.
Also, putting a sign out front of a store that offers free stuff. Be it free groceries, free clothes, free furniture, or free used toothbrushes, hippies are irresistibly drawn to stuff that they don't have to pay for.
Finally, Hippies crave causes. So if you're yelling "No Blood for Oil, Free Tibet, Free Mumia, or anything that starts with "Hey, Hey, Ho Ho...", you'll get hippies.
And don't overlook drums. If you just beat a drum, hippies will appear and sit in a circle. This makes them laughably easy to catch.

Bag Limit
As the hippie is considered a nuisance creature in every state except California and Massachusetts, there is no bag limit and many localities (usually in the west and the south) will actually pay you a bounty for your dead hippies. Take as many as you want with society's blessing and thanks.

Hunting tips
Remember that Hippies hate cleanliness. If you smell clean, the hippie will notice you and run away. As such, your best chance of success will come if you prepare for the hunt by not bathing for a week or so prior and rubbing some of those nasty hippie oils all over yourself. If you stink, most decent people will notice you but hippies most assuredly will not.

It is generally considered poor sportsmanship to drive through their neighborhoods in old multi-colored Volkswagen buses with 60's protest songs playing on the stereo. While effective, it's kind of like driving an ice cream truck through a neighborhood populated with little fat kids.

It's also frowned upon (but not illegal) to have a member of your party enter a known hippie hang-out and yell either "DEA" and "Draft Board Compliance" while other members of the party wait outside the doors and windows, guns at ready.

Some people hunt hippies just for sport and prefer to trap them live then release them back into the wild, usually after forcibly washing them and cutting their hair. This is allowed but practitioners should be advised that it's often very hard for a hippie to regain his place in his former social circle if he shows back up clean with a flat-top haircut and wearing a pair of Dockers and a cardigan sweater. Such hippies are often shunned by former mates and driven out of the commune with cries of "sell-out" and "conformist". Some have been so depressed and disillusioned afterwards that they've actually gone out and gotten jobs and began acquiring material possessions for the first time in their lives.

I'm going over there now and sticking a copy of this under his SUV's windshield wiper.


  1. Hey, Hey, Ho, Ho Barry Obama has got to go!!
    Sorry I could not resist! ;-)

  2. Anonymous2:55 PM

    Thanks for the hunting tips.

  3. It's way too much like varmint shooting. You simply don't want to try to field dress one and there is no way to cook one that renders it edible.

  4. You are so bad!!
    And freaking hilarious!! :):):)

  5. Um... doesn't that count as shooting over bait???

  6. hahaha!! This was just too funny!

  7. I had no idea it was so dangerous for me to drive in your neighborhood; I love patchouli, Janis Joplin, and free stuff. No Obama sticker, but I do have Amnesty International, have several long flowing skirts (but none in denim). It must be that or the haircut that saved me.

  8. Aw, Katherine...

    This is why Murphy was barking at you even though you came bearing bacon. He just knew.

    But thanks for the bacon. It was good.

  9. "and says that if anyone needs what he has bad enough to break in and steal it, they are welcome to it, because if he (the hippie) cares about the property enough to kill over it, then he doesn't own it, it owns him"...

    Wow, I have to say that is really deep. Sadly, I guess my stuff owns me then, because I lock my doors, and would kill for it...But, still, his quote really is so deep!

    I have to go now big screen tv needs me to make it a sandwich. :-)