Saturday, May 21, 2011

Food poisoning, Or: "When am I going to find a chick who cooks?"

Anyone know how long an opened jar of spaghetti sauce will keep in the refrigerator before you should not use it? I think I found out what's too long.

And it had to be the spaghetti, because Murphy's sick, too.



Fever. Sweats. Vomiting. Body temperature up to like a hundred thirty degrees. Every burp tastes like spaghetti sauce.

Nausea. Chills. Not enough blankets in the whole house now. More vomiting. There is NO WAY I ate as much as I've been heaving up. No way.

Aw, Hell--I recognize that. I had that breakfast. Last Wednesday.

Back to bed. Buried under 60lbs of quilts, a wool cap, and a mildewed raincoat I found in the basement. I swear that I will not get out of this bed again. The world did really end on May 21st, at least for me.

Cue sound of dog running into other room and vomiting on the floor. Aw, come ON now!

Just shoot me, someone.

And dog vomit smells like...spaghetti. Ulp!

Calm down....slow, deep breaths. Think Brigid cookies.

And Murphy, if you try to scratch your ear through that cone one more time, you're sleeping out in the car.

If I die tonight, bury me with my M60 and a couple of cans of ammo, just in case the crossing of the River Styx is contested. And my 1911A1, because that M60 will never keep running for all eternity.


Why is it when you wake up and feel like it should be dawn, you look at the clock and see that it's only been about an hour and a half or so? That's just not right.
If I die tonight, everything I own absent the guns mentioned above goes first to Audie Murphy and then to whoever blows up the Food Lion Generic Spaghetti Sauce Factory.

On the plus side, I'm not dead yet.

That's a good thing, isn't it?

Isn't it?

I was supposed to fly in the morning. Photo flight. That's not gonna happen.


Emergency Action Drill: Wake from semi-death and determine the need to be somewhere else immediately. Find prosthetic leg in dark and attach by feel as quickly as possible. Run through dark room, regardless of obstacles--or dogs--in the way.

I initially set up a routine and practiced this to repel bad guys who might decide to drop in suddenly after hours. It also works when suddenly sick, I've learned. Instead of grabbing ballistic vest and weapon, run to bathroom--for me--or patio door--for dog--before bad things happen (because if you vomit on the floor, then the terrorists have won). Success rate thus far: two out of three, or 66%. Murphy needs to be trained to give me a bit more warning before he barfs.

Old NFO, why are you up at 3:16 AM?

Will this night ever end? I hear birds outside. I think they're vultures.

Well it's morning. I woke up to one of my neighbors sitting on his patio a couple of hundred yards away talking loudly on his cell phone. Seriously? So I came in here, found this video, and played it as loud as I could out the window a couple of times.

He seems to have gotten the hint.

Breakfast attempt of dry toast and water didn't work so well. I think I'm going to be on the Karen Carpenter Diet Plan for a while.

Cookies might save me, Brigid...specifically those big flat ones with just a touch of coconut.


  1. ugh. lots of fluids. You guys rest. I can send cookies.

  2. If the sauce had meat or was meat flavored, DO NOT trust it past about a week. If it's straight marinara, it should be fine until it molds.

    If you lived near us, I'd be happy to feed you as often as you showed up. My other half says I'm a halfway decent cook.

  3. I wouldn't go over 10 days to two weeks myself.

  4. When it starts to smell off, unfortunetly if you're like my husband you'll never notice.

    Usually jars like that have a "use within x days of opening " on them somewhere. In most cases you can push that some, but you do have to be carefull. If you've had to push the date out and you think it might be borderline make sure you heat it to a boil it for several minutes. If you have trouble keeping track of how long you've had something in the fridge keep a sharpie nearby and write the date in the lid when you open it for the first time.

    Food poisoning sucks. If the symptoms don't go away in a day or so consider seeing a doctor, some forms are really bad.

  5. Damm! I hate the two exits no waiting thing! Hope y'all are better soon!

  6. Three to five days max...sorry for the intestinal unhappiness. Hope y'all feel better

  7. You guys BOTH keep hydrated, now!

  8. That truly sucks... been there, threw up ON the T-shirt... and FYI, it's about 3 days on the sauce... Get better and try to keep Murphy hydrated along with yourself!

  9. I was flying with this guy who got food poisoning from seafood in the bay area (no OLD NFO, wasn't one of your flights). I was just a wet behind the ears Second in Command. He started the ballistic vomiting on the arrival into our home base. I get on the PA and try and make a cheery little announcement to the folks in the back that'd we're on our way in and to buckle up and all while I fly the approach and landing single pilot. The medics were going to meet the airplane.

    When we landed the guys in back were laughing as while I was making my PA you could hear the Skipper barfing in the background.

  10. Oy. If you turn into a zombie the end times may be upon us. Or something. Maybe they misread the scripture and got rapturus instead of vomitus.

    Get better soon, and if it doesn't stop get thee to a clinic.

    wv: ilbis: Yes you're twice ill.

  11. I hope you feel better. Do keep up the fluids.

    And since everyone was giving serious answers, my '2 weeks' probably wasn't taken as sarcasm.

    5 days max for any opened tomato products, according to Keeping Food Fresh. That is in a jar. Less if in a can.

    Gatorade will help replenish a lot of stuff you need during a flu or food poisoning.

  12. Dude, get better soon. Food poisoning is the worst...

  13. Bummer - but never trust processed food, especially generic processed food. Per prior instructions - go to physician if not better asap. Try some yogurt (yes you can do it). And the real kind of yogurt with the live GOOD bacteria. Or try the Dannon stuff you drink comes in a 4 pack easier to get down a bunch of it than plain yogurt.

    It is good to be frugal BUT within limits. Toss the leftovers after 3 days, 5 max.

    Eat at your neighbors more often, they will only feed you good stuff 'cause you are company

  14. I has yogurt. In the fridge.

    See, the thing is though, it's been opened and I don't remember when.

    Does YOGURT go bad?

  15. First off: You need to make sure that your refrigerator is set at a cool enough temperature. Use a simple digital thermometer.

    Second: Invest some time in knowing the refrigerated longevity of foods. I use an out of print book I got long before the internet. But now Google Finds All(tm).

    Third: Open thins expire faster than sealed things. 3-5 days really for most things. But finding lists on the internet is easy.

  16. Yes, yogurt can go bad, particularly if opened. Does it have mold? if so, toss. if not . . . I'd toss anyway just because it just isn't worth it.

  17. 'Bout 10 days on the yogurt - 2 weeks is pushing it unless you're cooking with it...

  18. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

    Don't get a chick just to cook meals, and...well, nevermind.

    It'll cost you way too dearly in the end.

  19. By now you might be ready to try some chicken noodle soup with cracker's. By tomorrow you'll be sore from tossing your cookie's but should also begin to feel stronger. If you open a can of sauce like that again and don't think you'll use it right away again freeze it. I learned to cook for myself out of survival, it saved money and tasted better.


    Here, might not be perfect, but it'll give you a better idea than guess, and do write the date of opening on the lid. I do it with stuff that I don't use often so its easier to keep track, especially when I was cooking for just me. Its really easy to forget how long that jar's been open.

  21. There is almost nothing worse than food poisoning, not the least because it's self-administered toxin (I thought the salmon would be okay...).

    But 48 hours should take it through your system. If either of you are still not quite right this morning, it wouldn't be a bad idea to see the doctor.

    If you can stomach some gatorade--it gets minerals and stuff back into your system. Peppermint is also good for soothing a sour stomach.

    Hope you and Murphy are feeling better and that Brigid's cookies get there soon but you probably could have just asked her for cookies instead of going to such lengths.

  22. Anonymous12:07 PM

    Hope you feel better soon.
    I toss the stuff after about a week.

  23. Now that you're back among the living, may I suggest a "bedside bucket" for such situations? At least you won't have to buckle on the leg quite so quickly.

    Glad you survived. I did that to myself once - undercooked the shrimp stir-fry and it took about 9 offerings at the porcelain altar over about 6 hours before it stopped. I didn't have a dog doing the same thing though - yours was worse, I think.