And I need him now, because I want his help riling America up for a war--a WAR!
He did it well back in 1898, beating the drum for war against Spain. He and Joseph Pulitzer used their newspapers to convince America that we should go to war against Spain to avenge the destruction of the USS Maine in Havana harbor and we wound up teaching Spain a thing or two about messing with us.
Well now we have another upstart country that seems to have forgotten it's place in relation to the United States: Canada!
It seems that our "friends" to the north have enacted a new policy (as referenced here) requiring that boats leaving our ports on the Great Lakes to dive on shipwrecks in those lakes must now dock at a Canadian port on the other side of said lake before venturing to any wreck that's allegedly in Canadian waters. This means that wrecks like the Wexford, (blogged previously here) and others which American divers have enjoyed exploring are now essentially off-limits to American-based dive charter boats, because going all the way to some Canadian port-of-entry is just not worth the trouble.
So I say that it's time to remind Canada how things stand. We basically took control of those lakes during the War of 1812 when we swept the British from them quite handily. But being magnanimous in victory, we let the Canadians have access to part of "our" lakes, basically because we're really a nice country. But now they're pulling stuff like this? How quickly they forget. So maybe it's time to remind them again, perhaps by moving a carrier battle fleet onto Lake Huron and basing a Marine Amphibious Assault Transport or two in Buffalo. I mean, what are they going to oppose us with? A couple of fire tugs and an ice breaker at best. We can whoop 'em.
You Canadians had best not think that just because we didn't take Toronto that last time (when it was rather provincially known as "York") that we can't just reach out and take it any time that we want it, and Windsor right along with it! You guys are just lucky that we don't want those cities due to your silly-looking money, that consarned metric system and all that cleanliness ya'll got going on up there.
Still...I would formally advise you Canadians not to push it. Translated into your language: Take off, you hosers. Back away from our lakes and our wrecks and don't make us come up there. If you thought that the Red Wings were tough, just you wait until you meet the rest of us, EH?