Monday, February 14, 2011

Road-rage, the Liberal version.

So I'm driving home last night. Heading out on the Dulles Toll Road, I note that rush hour traffic seems to be a bit heavier and more congested than normal for some reason. But I can see that way up ahead, traffic is flowing normally, suggesting that whatever is causing the congestion is localized and not to far ahead of me.

Eventually I spot the problem--one small car driving along almost right at 55mph in the far left lane. Thanks to that car, everyone trying to go any faster and use the passing lane to actually pass has to merge right and try to get around the slow one. Basically, this toad is turning a four-lane highway into a three-lane one by denying everyone else in Northern Virginia the use and access of the whole left lane. As a result, the people trying to get around this inconsiderate boob are creating a back-log which is congesting and slowing the other lanes. And the longer this goes on, the worse the congestion gets and the longer the commute home for everyone is going to be.

It's been said that "one monkey don't stop the show", but one chimp sure can mess up the commute for thousands of people.

I finally manage to get up close enough--on the right, of course--to get a good look at this car. It's a Toyota (probably a hybrid) sporting a big Obama/Biden sticker on the rear bumper and a "Vote Democrat" sticker on the trunk. The license plate is one of those personalized vanity tags that Virginia hands out like Halloween candy: DLYKOS. It doesn't take much imagination to figure that one out--the car obviously belongs to a Kos Kid--one of the uber-liberal elite that live and die for the pablum spooned out to them on the leftist Daily Kos website. This freak actually likes that site so much that he/she had it put on their license plate.

As I passed the car, I made out an elaborate blonde hairdo on the driver, but could not tell if it was male or female. But that's probably because most of the Kos demographic is so androgynous that the lines are typically blurred even on a clear day; the females tend to look and act like men and the males are all effeminate sissies.

Now I confess that I'm not above a little "corrective road rage" when faced with self-important morons like this one. The idea that one person feels so entitled and superior that they deliberately jam up traffic for everyone else on the whole road just doesn't sit well with me. And if they're so clueless as to be doing it unintentionally, well then they need a slap sufficient to knock their head out of their ass for the good of the free world. So shame on me, but as I pulled past this lane-hog, I sharply cut left in front of it and tapped my brakes. Wake up, jackass!

The little Toyota's nose dipped as the operator slammed on his/her/it's brakes, and I looked back in my mirror to see if he/she/it would take the hint and move over to a slower lane and let other people use the passing lane to actually pass.

He/she/it did not. Instead, the driver began acting out, flashing the high-beams at me over and over and blowing the anemic little horn that these Toyota's come with. And it wasn't just a couple of times. No, this car started following me, and as long as it was within a hundred yards or so, the lights were flashing and it's horn was going "Eeep! Eeep! Eeep!"

This silly shit went on for over four miles. Seriously--four miles of total loss-of-control by this person just because they got cut off after driving like a douche. Real stable crowd, those Kos Kids...NOT!

Now normally I'd have done something to dissuade someone from sitting off my rear bumper flashing their high-beams at my mirrors. That's not only rude, it can be distracting to the point of dangerous. But in this case, that little Toyota's headlights--which I'm sure are totally environmentally sensitive--just weren't bright enough to constitute an annoyance. I mean, a real American car or truck that has real halogen headlights would have really lit my ride up, but this car's lights were so soft and dim thhat the only reason I knew that I was being flashed was that the lights sort of shifted shape.

Well that and the "eeep, eeep, eeep..." sound that was still coming from it's cute little horn.

I should have been offended and perhaps even irked, but I was just too amused. This car was totally incapable of offering offense even though it's driver was undoubtedly shaking with anger while furiously blowing the horn and flashing the lights, neither of which had the capability to convey the intended outrage. Despite their best efforts, all that this poor person manged to accomplish was to outline and highlight their utter and total impotence. And this was funny to me.

I finally lost the Kos Kid because traffic opened up and allowed me to assume my normal traffic speed and the Toyota's driver wasn't willing or able to keep up. The flashing lights grew less distinct as I put a bit of distance between us and the plaintive "eeep, eeep, eeep..." eventually failed to be heard at all over Mark Levin's show on WMAL. I left it behind, but I noticed that the sad, pathetic little man-child (woman-child?) never once got out of that left lane.

I'm figuring that he/she/it probably went right home and kicked a very effeminate little dog...but not hard enough to hurt it.


  1. I'd laugh out loud if this very thing doesn't tick me off so badly that I see purple.

    After your recon of the car, you were fairly safe in giving your "lesson" to the self-centered, androgynous, thoughtless jerk because he/she clearly wouldn't be carrying.

    Glad you could turn the whole situation into something that amused you on your commute!

  2. Oh, that was rich! :):)
    As for drivers who do as you described, it should be legal to use the PIT maneuver on them, those inconsiderate dimwits..

  3. OH THAT is just too funny... eeep... eeep.... :-) I can 'feel' the hate from here...

  4. Anonymous9:30 PM

    Oh man, I feel your pain! Yesterday must've been drive like a moron day or something.

    I posted the long version on my blog, but short version is that in the space of about 5 minutes, I was almost hit head on by an SUV driving in the center of the road, then flipped off by a bunch of kids who entered the crosswalk against the light and stopped walking right in front of my car.

    Don't you sometimes wish you owned a monster truck, or a HUMVEE with a .50-cal machine gun on the roof? I know I sure do.


  5. Anonymous9:43 AM

    It most likely has its panties in a wad.Good for you.

  6. If I had enough patience to read any liberal blogs I'd have to be looking for the other end of that story. Bet he/she/it was just spewing broadmineded benevolence at you.

  7. This is basically the road rage equivalent of the bitter old man sitting on his porch yelling "you crazy kids get off my lawn."

    Don't you find it a bit hypocritical that showed that guy how to drive by driving badly yourself?

  8. Not at all. I don't pretend to be the world's most courteous driver. However I also don't deliberately drive slow in the passing lane and screw with damn near everyone on the highway by doing so. People who do that sort of thing are usually either talking on their phone or just doing it deliberately as some sort of power trip. Both of those call for a bit of correction and this person got a bit.

    But following me for almost five minutes, flashing and honking constantly? That's not normal or sane. Lucky for them it also wasn't annoying. I have ways of dealing with that that I chose not to implement. I also have a steel bumper and a trailer hitch that sits right about radiator-level of those little Toyotas.

    And the little fool is lucky that it was just nice old me ahead. Do that sort of thing to some people and all sorts of bad things can happen. You don't know who's in those other cars. Could be the Dali Lama, could be Charles Manson; you roll the dice when you start messing with people. And not to stereotype, but I'm thinking that anyone who basically drives around looking like a caricature of the modern-day liberal is probably not packing much heat.

  9. Driving home a winter ago, in my little scooty car, not the truck. Unexpected freezing rain. They let us out of the office a bit early if we wanted to use leave and I did.

    There's one long stretch of road that's a freeway that was going in a rural area, cutting between two other highways and then never got finished so it just ends in the middle of no where, T-ing off to a couple of small country roads, but it provides a good shortcut to the Range. There are usually few cars on it, four lanes and all.

    I'm driving, about 5 under, it's an ice rink. This car comes up behind me, on my bumper flashing the lights (remember the part about it's FOUR lanes). I just hold my position, but pull over just a little to the right to give him more room. He continues to ride my bumper. Finally he zips past waving the middle finger at me.

    I note the hopey changy bumper sticker on his clapped out car. Sure enough, about a hundred yards down, off he goes into the weeds. Do I drive past and wave? I do not, It's cold, it's isolated. I pull over and roll my window down. He looks VERY sheepish. I ask "are you hurt?" He sas, "no, thanks". I say "are there any little kids in the car?" He says "no, just me". I hold up my phone. "It's pretty isolated out here, probably an hour before the next car, do you have a phone? " He looks around, frantic, and says "Shit, no I left it at the office"

    I hold up my phone.

    "Sucks to be you".

    And drove off (though I did call the cops to let them know he was in the ditch).

    Car-Ma. It's a wonderful thing.

  10. What was the speed limit here?