Reacting to a rumor that Hillary Clinton's secret e-mail server had in fact yielded recoverable information about his secret deals with Iran, Russia and North Korea, Barack Obama fled the White House with his family in the wee hours of the morning, taking Marine One to Joint Base Andrews, where a private jet was apparently waiting to take them and several key members of his inner circle back to his native Kenya where he'd be safe from extradition back to the US.
From the top of the boarding ramp, Obama shouted out his thanks to the US media for their support and assistance. "I never could have come this far or pulled off so much without you guys covering for me all this time! You've been great allies! Now go get that Ted Cruz guy!"
Also seen departing with the Obamas were Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Speaker of the House John Boehner, who were seen frantically loading the Obama's golf clubs and other luggage aboard the aircraft under the direction of Valerie Jarrett. An unnamed White House source said that Obama apparently chose to take them along to reward them for their years of loyal service to him and "because good help is so hard to find in Africa."
It wasn't a clean escape for all of them, however. Obama confidant Eric Holder was detained by DC Police while enroute to the airport as the new head of his personal security detail, one Bowe Bergdal, failed to prevent them from apprehending him despite specific orders to defend him at all costs. "Where did he go?" Holder fumed as the police took him into custody. "I mean, one minute he was right there, and then all of a sudden he was gone!"
The jet then left Andrews and headed out over the ocean, and it's present whereabouts are unknown. Should you see this aircraft, identified as a Malaysian Airlines 747, please notify...well, nobody.
Notably absent from the flight was Vice President Joe Biden, who assured everyone that he's staying here to assume command of the country. He also announced that he's leaving his wife for the new love of his life, Chelsea Manning. "She's like no woman I've ever met before," Biden gushed about his new love interest, whom he apparently met at a My Little Pony fan convention in Baltimore last month. Both are known to be huge fans of the children's cartoon.
Happy April First, folks!