New discovery that has Dem voters shocked and amazed

I can so relate

Sent to me by a friend. Yeah, this is my world.

Fantastic new firearm lubricant

Is this wrong?

I sure hope so.

Sent to me by one who wishes not to be blamed.

Some mid-week humor

They may be wrong, but I like 'em.




An Indian a Mexican and a Cowboy are sitting in a bar. The Indian knocks back his whiskey and laments: "Once we were many, and our tribes streched across this vast land. But now we are few, confined to a few reservations, and soon our line will be at an end."

The Mexican slammed his whiskey back. "Once we were few, and we came here humbly to pick crops, but now we are many. We collect welfare and our kids go to school for free. We drive without licenses, lobby congress, and some of us even hold political office here."

The Cowboy sips his whiskey and looks at the Mexican. "That's just because we ain't started playing "Cowboys and Mexicans" yet.







The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along a campground in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless hippie, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest as the other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious hippie from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other placed the injured hippie in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!"
He told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and hippies but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know nothin' about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to the city and snatch another one?"





So Brian Williams was on his way into the studio at MSNBC, ready for his first day back in front of the cameras. He was so focused on planning what to say when he got there that he took his eyes off the road for a second and crashed through a farmer's fence and hit a big oak tree head on. A few hours later, some studio executives, worried because Williams hadn't shown up, went out to look for him. They came upon the scene of the crash and saw the farmer just tamping the dirt back down in a freshly-filled hole with his shovel.
"Did you see this car crash?" they asked.
"Nope," replied the famer. "I just heard it and came out to see if I could help."
"Well was Brian Williams in that car?"
"Yep, he was," the farmer said. "I just got finished burying him."
"You mean Brian Williams was dead when you found him?" one of the execs asked.
'Well, he kept saying that he wasn't, but heck--who can believe anything that he says?"

Poor Belle

After yesterday's Mother's Day video, a number of posters noted that while Murphy is a highly-evolved predator who can easily snag popcorn out of the air, Belle...well Belle is the "less-coordinated child" in the pack.

This is true, but poster Dead Man Dance thought that Belle resembled Archy, this sad Golden retriever here:


That's mean. Not saying that it isn't funny and/or true, but still...

OK, admittedly she either needs serious help, or it's all part of her plot to get more popcorn by feigning a need for more practice at catching it.

And of course I would never throw tacos at Belle.

Obama Flees White House

Reacting to a rumor that Hillary Clinton's secret e-mail server had in fact yielded recoverable information about his secret deals with Iran, Russia and North Korea, Barack Obama fled the White House with his family in the wee hours of the morning, taking Marine One to Joint Base Andrews, where a private jet was apparently waiting to take them and several key members of his inner circle back to his native Kenya where he'd be safe from extradition back to the US.

From the top of the boarding ramp, Obama shouted out his thanks to the US media for their support and assistance. "I never could have come this far or pulled off so much without you guys covering for me all this time! You've been great allies! Now go get that Ted Cruz guy!"

Also seen departing with the Obamas were Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Speaker of the House John Boehner, who were seen frantically loading the Obama's golf clubs and other luggage aboard the aircraft under the direction of Valerie Jarrett. An unnamed White House source said that Obama apparently chose to take them along to reward them for their years of loyal service to him and "because good help is so hard to find in Africa."

It wasn't a clean escape for all of them, however. Obama confidant Eric Holder was detained by DC Police while enroute to the airport as the new head of his personal security detail, one Bowe Bergdal, failed to prevent them from apprehending him despite specific orders to defend him at all costs. "Where did he go?" Holder fumed as the police took him into custody. "I mean, one minute he was right there, and then all of a sudden he was gone!"

The jet then left Andrews and headed out over the ocean, and it's present whereabouts are unknown. Should you see this aircraft, identified as a Malaysian Airlines 747, please notify...well, nobody.

Notably absent from the flight was Vice President Joe Biden, who assured everyone that he's staying here to assume command of the country. He also announced that he's leaving his wife for the new love of his life, Chelsea Manning. "She's like no woman I've ever met before," Biden gushed about his new love interest, whom he apparently met at a My Little Pony fan convention in Baltimore last month. Both are known to be huge fans of the children's cartoon.



Happy April First, folks!

Too funny not to pass on.

More here.

Cop On The Beat With The Beat

OK, admittedly, this made me smile.



Good job, Dover PD public relations folks. And thanks to Katherine, this blog's token Liberal, for sending the link.

Best I can do today

I've spent most of the day running errands and messing with the Reising. It's running better, but it's still a long way from running right. Tomorrow I take it to an expert.

In the meantime, here's some sage hunter safety advice, for those of you thinking of going afield.

Sorry--been one of those days.

The internet was down at work, so I couldn't post anything. And now I'm home, but have no time for anything original.

So here--enjoy a blast from the past: Vaudeville stars Mantan Moreland (playing Birmingham Brown) and Ben Carter, famous in their day for their "interrupted sentences" act, which they performed on live on stage countless times. We get a few demonstrations of their routine in these old clips from a couple of Charlie Chan movies, The Scarlet Clue and Dark Alibi. And as a bonus, in the end, Charlie Chan himself has a say.

Oh--and the puzzled-looking young Chinese fellow is Tommy, Charlie Chan's "Number Three son". Well-intentioned, but not the brightest bulb in the marquee, if you know what I mean.


True Hollywood gold, of the sort that we'll likely never see again.

To my lawyer friends

You know who you are.

Credit: Pearls Before Swine.

Testing...in true Lagniappes Lair style

Looks like Blogger gremlins are messing with the blog today, so please enjoy this test post while I try to troubleshoot it.

"OMG!! Did I do that?"

In this prank, a couple of kids invite passing strangers to shoot a basket...but it's a set-up.

Apologies for the commercial that you have to sit through, but it's worth it.

Now here's an idea. What if the polar ice caps did melt?

Per this article, the sea level would rise about 260 feet, wiping out an awful lot of coastal real estate around the world.

Would YOU be underwater if the polar caps melted? Map reveals what our planet would look like if sea levels rose by 260ft

Well I looked to see if I'd be ok, and I would. The new "coastline" in this area would be the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains and I reside on the reverse slope of that range, decently above elevation 260. I might be walking distance to the new beaches but I'd come through ok. Washington DC would be gone though. and so would much of the eastern seaboard, including New York City, Boston, Baltimore, Philadelphia, and pretty much all of Florida. New Orleans would be gone and Houston would, too. Over on the Left Coast, San Diego, much of Los Angeles and San Francisco would be gone, and so would places like Portland and Seattle. In fact, much of the concentrated Blue that makes those areas politically cancerous for America would be wiped out.

Now I'd miss New Orleans, but I'd be willing to call it a fair trade. The question shouldn't be "what if..." but "how can we make this happen?"

Of course I assume that the rise in water levels will be gradual enough to allow us to evacuate the decent, hard-working Americans who live in those areas right along with the contents of the libraries, the art galleries, and the equipment of the businesses in those areas. Naturally we'd have to put up barrier walls and screen who we let come out of those areas though, just to make sure that we don't re-create more blue states inside the perimeter of our new America. If you've got a job and a solid work history, or are a retiree, come on over and welcome. If you've got a lengthy criminal record, spent your life on welfare or if you're a career politician, here's a set of water wings. Good luck. And if you're dumb enough to show up at a checkpoint with a medical marijuana card or an "Obama" or "Hillary" sticker on your car, just turn around, because we're already at capacity for morons over here. In fact, stick around, because we'll probably deport a few that were living here already and they can ride back with you. And Senator Joe Manchin? You can think about how sorry you are for selling every gun-owning, Obamacare-hating West Virginian out as you and Nancy Pelosi dog-paddle towards Europe. But hey, if you get tired, we hear that Kim Kardashian can be used as a floatation device.

Yeah, I'm liking the thought of a smaller, redder America. How many of our nukes would it take to melt all of that ice, do you reckon? And who else should we bar admittance to or kick out?

Obamas leave White House in the middle of the night

(GTFO News) In a stunning late-night escape, Barack Obama, his wife, his mother-in-law and his illegal aunt and uncle all boarded Marine One and fled in the face of an arrest warrant related to a secret investigation of charges that he "willfully and knowingly destroyed the American economy and our standing in the Free World". The escape was made so quickly that Eric Holder and Reggie Love were still standing on the White House lawn, surrounded by their own luggage, when arresting officers arrived and took them into custody.

Marine One quickly removed the Obamas to Andrews Air Force Base, where they ran for the boarding ladder of a running Malaysian Airlines left, which then took off, reportedly on a flight plan for the Obamas' native Kenya. Air Force jets were scrambled to bring it back but apparently all radar contact was lost with this Malaysian Airlines jet somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean. A search party is being assembled but due to lack of volunteers, progress is slow.

When awakened and given the news by his own Secret Service detail, Vice President Biden was reportedly puzzled for a few moments, but then his eyes lit up. "My turn!" he exclaimed. "I get to be President now!"
At his point, his Secret Service detail laughed and informed him that the Democrat leadership had just met with the Republicans and the United Nations in one big emergency meeting and everyone pretty much agreed that America and the world would be better served with just about anyone else picked at random off the street and the Bidens were given an hour to get their stuff out of government housing.

No one even bothered waking John Boehner, but his neighbors also report a U-Haul truck in his driveway this morning and the sound of much sobbing from inside the house.

Representatives from MSNBC have not been available for comment this morning. Their office windows are allegedly all covered by black curtains and no one answers the door. People who have knocked report the strong smell of purple koolaid in the air.

At noon EST, President Chuck Norris is expected to be sworn in. World peace and prosperity will begin at 12:30, followed by a reception on the White House lawn.

Oh yeah...it's April First, but admit it--just for a second, you entertained the delicious thought that it was real and you smiled.

Gun Safety PSA

Because I'm both busy and a touch under the weather this morning, I turn you all over to Plaxico Burress for some gun safety advice.

Look, look! I got a book!

This just came today.

Can't wait to start reading on it, especially after reading the author's impressive bio"

JL Curtis was born in Louisiana in 1851 and was raised in the Ark-La-Tex area. He began his education with guns at age eight with a flintlock pistol and a Grandfather that had carried one "in case those redcoats come back". He began competitive shooting after the war in company with shooters like Nathaniel Bedford Forrest and George A. Custer, an interest he still pursues time permitting. He is a retired Naval Flight Officer, having spent countless years serving his country from the Great War on up through Vietnam following initial flight training with the Wright Brothers. He is an NRA instructor (NRA Member #3), and currently works as a engineer in the defense industry, servicing gear that no else remembers how to work on. He lives in Northern Virginia, this is his first novel.

Buy it here.

Congrats on the book, my friend.

NOPD Homicide Detective at Mardi Gras.

And here we have New Orleans Police Department's Homicide Detective Winston Harbin keeping the peace and maintaining order during this year's Mardi Gras carnival.



Because sometimes it takes more than just arresting bad guys and testifying in court to be the police in da Big Easy.

Full story here.

And if that didn't make you smile today, there's no hope for ya.

It's so cold that...

Just back from picking Belle up. Noticed that it's downright cold out there. In fact, it's so cold that...

1. It's so cold that Starbucks is serving coffee on a stick.

2. It's so cold that my grandma's false teeth are chattering, and they're still in the glass.

3. It's so cold the lawyers have their hands in their OWN pockets.

4. It's so cold that flashers are now just carrying pictures.

5. It's so cold I had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post.

6. It's so cold that Cuban refugee's are skating into Miami.

7. It's so cold, I saw a teen boy pull his pants up.

8. It's so cold, the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

9. It's so cold, we had to chop up the piano for firewood. (But we only got two chords.)

10. It's so cold, Boy Scouts are offering to de-ice little old ladies.



Thank you. I'll be here all week.

One of those days.

Yeah. Working on better posts for tomorrow. But first, I'm going to stop by the new Chinese place in town for dinner.

Or not.