Nebraska pothead busted trying to smoke a cat

Admittedly my first thought was that I didn't know that Michael Phelps even had a cat.

But then I read on and saw that it was just some basic, garden-variety pothead from Nebraska--some punk that's so successful in life that he still lives in his grandparents' house.

A man who tried to mellow out his cat by stuffing her into a homemade bong is facing criminal charges — and catcalls from animal lovers.

Lincoln-area authorities cited 20-year-old Acea Schomaker on suspicion of animal cruelty Sunday after catching him smoking marijuana from a contraption that had a cat stuffed inside its 12-inch by 6-inch base.

Schomaker told Lancaster County sheriff's deputies the 6-month-old female named Shadow had been hyper and that he was trying to calm her.

The cat was taken to the Capital Humane Society, where she appeared to be in good condition Monday, executive director Bob Downey said.

"What the human mind doesn't invent, huh?" Downey said.

Schomaker did not return voice or text messages left on his cell phone by The Associated Press.

Deputies discovered the cat trapped in the device after responding to a domestic disturbance call at a residence that Schomaker shares with his grandfather, Sgt. Andy Stebbing said.

Deputies resolved the dispute and left the house, but they returned minutes later after discovering there was an arrest warrant on Schomaker that alleged possession of drug paraphernalia.

Upon re-entering the house, Stebbing said, deputies saw Schomaker smoking marijuana through a piece of garden hose attached to the duct-taped, plastic glass box, in which the cat had been stuffed.

"This cat was just dazed," Stebbing said. "She was on the front seat of the cop car, wrapped in a blanket, and never moved all the way to the humane society."

Schomaker was cited for misdemeanor animal cruelty and taken to the Lancaster County Jail on the arrest warrant. He was released after paying a $400 fine.

Now Schomaker faces new charges for possession of marijuana and paraphernalia stemming from Sunday's incident.

Stebbing said the animal cruelty charge could be raised to a felony if the cat dies or is found to have suffered injury.

Downey said tests would be done to determine whether the cat suffered lung damage.

"To the eye, the cat looks OK," he said. "It cowers in the back of its cage like it's a little bit afraid but, obviously, given the way it's been treated, that's not surprising to me at all."

Now what cracks me up is that every time I bash drug users--particularly potheads--I get a ton of replies (most of which get deleted for obscene language) from people who claim to smoke weed every day while holding down important jobs and living in expensive houses. Yet it's funny how none of the potheads in these stories seem to rise above a lifestyle characterized by unemployment and sponging off the family for a roof overhead. And for that matter, most every pot smoker that I've ever arrested was either some loser who would never make it to college or who was in college on the parents' dime and petrified that mom and dad would find out about the arrest. In fact they usually bawl about how their parents will stop paying their tuition if word gets back to mommy and daddy that their little scholar was smoking up the money meant for textbooks and lab fees. I can't recall meeting many successful adults who smoke marijuana. But that's because I tend to hang around with winners, and dope-smoking is the providence of the life-losers.

You know--the kind of losers who still live with Grampy and try to smoke the cat instead of getting a job.



EDITED TO ADD: Lagniappe just informed me that he's also 100% anti-drug but that he's all for smoking cats. He says that they should be marinated and smoked over hickory chips at about two hundred degrees for at least an hour.