Wednesday, July 29, 2009

So I guess that I suck...

At least that's what I was told Nicki of all people.

It all started when I was down my basement today and ran across this little guy.

He's about three inches across, including the legs. It's one of the hunting spiders that live around here. I find them fascinating but Nicki...well, you know...girls.

Anyway, I took this picture of it so that she could see it and I went back upstairs and left it to it's own agenda. When she came over, I showed her the picture and she immediately started in with: "Oh my God...where did you see THAT?!"

When I told her that it was right downstairs, she really got upset. I mean, it's just a spider, and not one that climbs stairs very well, but she's still like: "Get rid of it! Get it out of here!"

Hell, the poor spider's just trying to catch some pesky bug for dinner. I kind of like having spiders like this around. Anyway, to appease Nicki, I go downstairs and scoop it up in a box. I have the box closed, of course, because these little guys can really jump. I bring it back upstairs and offer to show it to her. She starts freaking out before I can even crack the lid, hollering for me to get it out of the house. I ask her to open the door, and she reluctantly does, but then she hides behind the door, supposedly so that the spider cannot get her. But then I decide to put the spider out front of the house instead, so I take it out the front door and let it go. Off he runs as soon as I turn him loose.

Now with the spider gone, I go back in the house, still holding the box. Nicki is vacuuming my library, and she's not too happy to see me come back in with the box, which I'm now holding with the lid closed, as if the spider is still inside. I tell her that I changed my mind again and want to put it out in the back yard. I agagin ask her if she wants to see it, and she says "Fuck no! Get that thing out of here!"

"OK," I tell her, as I walk to the back door. But then I "trip" over something and drop the box. It lands right up against the back of her legs and pops open.

Before we go any farther, let me tell you that I would never have believed that Nicki could ever jump that high or scream so loud.And I confess that when I saw her start to shake and hyperventilate, I actually felt bad for a few seconds.

But then she began hitting me and cursing me and told me that I suck in about five different languages, and it was just funny again.

I don't really suck, do I? I mean, come was just a little spider...and not even a poisonous one.

Women... Go figure.


  1. Hang on, Hang on, Hang on...
    You somehow got Nicki to clean for you?
    "Nicki is vacuuming my library"

    and you were cruel to her while she was in the process?

    Whoah, you are lucky she didn't bop you over the head with one of the vacuum attachments. You would have been wearing the contents of a used canister bag if that were me buddy. :-) And I am not even afraid of spiders. But, empty *they* scare the bejeebus out of me...:-)

  2. I actually did hit him, Laura. Several times. We were getting his house cleaned up, because Lagniappe sheds like a pig! In any case, I did beat up on him. And regardless of his macho protestations here, he did actually say he was sorry once he realized how upset I was.

  3. Oh. My. God. If it had been me, you might have some serious claw marks leading to scarring all on your arms. That was MEAN!!!!!!!

  4. Wow..I think you're lucky she didn't beat you with the vacuum!

  5. Ya know, if you keep tempting death like that, eventually, you're going to die. It's not good to poke the tiger.

  6. Anonymous12:59 PM

    I learned my lesson years ago when it comes to women and bugs. I was 13 years old, big for my age and had a crush on a cute little 16 year old life guard at the pool. We had been making idle chit chat for several weeks and were getting pretty comfortable around each other. Well, some genius put a praying mantis on her dashboard just before she was leaving for the day. She saw that thing and thought I'd placed it there. She slapped the snot out of me and refused to speak to me ever again.

    When it comes to women, bugs and snakes I always make it a point to be the white knight (as you'll see on my wife's blog later today when you read the story about the rat snake I disposed of today).

  7. Anonymous5:19 PM

    I would have beat you to a bloody pulp after smashing the spider. I am officially sending Nicki several boxes of sticky traps to catch those critters..... MY GOD they are HORRIBLE. The bites from them hurt and itch at the same time.

    PS.... Hubby I didn't know you were trying to get the make on with an older woman when you were 13.........Geeze you slut!

  8. I had someone at work tease me with a snake once. He held his hands behind his back as it he were holding the snake.

    I hate snakes. I'm phobic.

    So, I picked up a folding chair and told him that I would hit him with the chair if he came near me with the snake. It worked.

    Spiders are different. I like spiders as they keep the bug population down. I've been known to behave as you did, putting the nice spider outside where he can catch his lunch in peace. Unlike you, however, I do not tease Main Lady with spiders. Ever since I put the giant black rubber spider on the kitchen table... well, you get the picture. I got the nasty looking thing from a good friend's wife, because my good buddy had left the spider in the soap dish hiding behind the soap, where his wife found it during her morning shower. I think she has the same view of spiders as Nicki.

    Good job on putting the spider outside.

  9. Anonymous8:29 PM

    Just remember "Paybacks" can be fun too but it was a great story even after you called to tell it to first hand. Nicki that's twice he's got you it's time for you to strike back

  10. My husband used to think it was funny to come up behind me in the grocery store and scare me, he only did it once though. I swung my elbow back hard - I didn't know who was grabbing at me. Connected with his rib cage, hard too. I'd be careful if I were you, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

  11. Oh, I can hear Mrs. Smith now...

    SMITH!! KILL IT!!!