Tuesday, January 26, 2010

People who need to be shot.

When I get to be President, certain offenses will be punishable by immediate termination, without appeal or even trial. Today's events have brought two such offenses to mind:

--People who walk into a coffee shop or take-out place at lunch time with a list of orders for several other people who are not present, especially if it requires the entire staff of the establishment to ignore everyone else while they work on assembling that one large order which could have been faxed or phoned in yet wasn't. I will deputize anyone standing in line behind such people to summarily shoot them.

--People who coast along obliviously (or deliberately) in the left lane--which is known as "the passing lane" for a reason--of a multi-lane highway at 55mph at rush hour, clogging up the whole damned highway by preventing anyone from passing them. However in the spirit of trying to educate people first, I will only have offenders executed for second offenses. First-time offenders will merely be pulled from their cars by squads of ex-LAPD officers and publicly beaten like Rodney King.


  1. Everyone should be issued paint-ball guns with two colors of balls, red and green.

    See something stupid? Red ball.

    See something smart? Green ball.

    Red car approaching? Run away!!!

  2. I am SO WITH YA on the passing lane business!!

  3. You're coddling them a bit too much!

    Which brings up the following dilemma I encountered during litigation a few years back:

    Judge # 1 in Kings County (that's Brooklyn) signs Order to Show Cause based upon plaintiff's bald assertion that he was denied his rights and money under the partnership agreement. No copy of the agreement was ever presented by the plaintiff to his attorney (and the real written agreement in fact said nothing of the sort).

    Order to Show Cause, returnable the next morning, was served on my client at 8 PM. I pulled an all-nighter with writing the Answer and the Brief. Included in the Brief was citation to New York Judges' Bench Book which said something to the effect that judges who sign Orders to Show Cause where an agreement is alleged should insist upon seeing copy of agreement (or explanation as to why no copy is available).

    Working on zero sleep, the next morning I take train into Brooklyn and show up at courthouse. Case is assigned to Judge #2.

    Judge #2 decides against my client. Plaintiff's attorney submitted poorly drafted order.

    Judge #2's law secretary calls me up and demands that I, the loser's attorney, submit an order. The law lady wasn't happy with my version, but she used it and edited it because it was better than the one submitted by the plaintiff's attorney.

    On our next court date, Judge #2's law lady tries to lecture me for wasting her's and the Court's time.

    The dilemma: Who to shoot?

    A. The plaintiff? (who was subsequently indicted and convicted for bankruptcy fraud in a tangentially related matter).

    B. Plaintiff's attorney?

    C. Judge #1 (who was too drunk to read his Bench Book)?

    D. Judge #2 (who, I later found out, had been disciplined by the Commission on Judicial Conduct for accepting a gratuity from an attorney who practiced before him)?

    E. Judge #2's Law Secretary (on her, everyone agrees she should have been summarily shot)?

  4. Anonymous1:38 AM

    Unless there is specifically a law that states that people can only use the far left lane for passing, then people can drive in that lane all they want. There is no "passing" lane in that case. Also, if the person in the far left lane is going 55mph and the SPEED LIMIT of the highway is 55mph, then no one has any business being upset with those drivers. They can be upset with the law, but not the driver.

    LAPD officers doing beatings? Yeah, the ones that are "retired" for screwing up, such as the ones who beat King.

  5. Oh Anonymous, taking simple measures to ensure that you're not inconveniencing other people is what's known as "common courtesy" and that comes from a basic respect for other people. I'm guessing that you don't have that, or else you're one of those people who enjoys frustrating other people that you don't even know just because you can. So which is it?

  6. How about anon. commenters with stupid shit to say?

    Can we shoot them too, please?

  7. If this were Facebook, I would hit the "like" button. :)

  8. Me...why do you even allow comments from anonymous posters? Obviously if they don't have the cajones to stand up to public scrutiny for THEIR opinions, they don't deserve to be heard. Why would you encourage such cowards?

  9. i like the idea of a paintball gun and paint balls - anyone with 5 red hits should then be terminated permenantly!