Friday, January 20, 2012

A Day in the Life...

If you're going to have one leg, you've gotta be tough. But sometimes, even that has it's limits.

Currently, I'm back on just one leg for a few days as I wait for a blister that is interfering with my store-bought leg to go away. This means that I use crutches (slow, awkward) or I hop around on one foot. The latter is actually my preferred method for around the house and I'm quite good at it. It's faster and leaves my arms free to carry things that I cannot carry while using crutches. (It's amazing how adaptable you can get when circumstances force your hand.) Usually this works just fine, but on occasion, things happen to throw you a curve. Take yesterday.

There I am, hopping down to the basement to get a bag of wood pellets for the stove. I hop over to the pallet of pellets, toss a 40lb. bag of them on my shoulder, and start hopping back, only to feel something hard and sharp underfoot.

Did I mention that this only works if I'm barefoot? I can't do the hop thing with a shoe on.

So I feel the hard, sharp thing underfoot, and I'm hoping that is dislodges with the next hop or two, but it does not. In fact, it jabs harder with each bounce, and I realize that whatever it is, it's digging itself into the bottom of my foot more with each bounce. Joy. It took two bounces to figure this out, then two more to get to the steps where I could set the bag down and set ME down to re-assess. My luck, it's a piece of glass from a broken bottle out of the recycling tub. (Stupid green environmental crap..) And it's now embedded deep in the ball of my foot. Joyx2!

So I scuttle up the stairs, grab my handy-dandy folding knife off the back of the couch, and spend the next ten minutes trying to dig/pry/hack that chunk of glass out of the bottom of my own foot without anesthetic. (That came right after in the form of a large Bushmills, neat with an Abita Amber chaser.) Then I washed the foot, put a dressing on it, and hopped back down to get my wood pellets, lest Murphy and I get cold. But now I have a fair-sized hole in the bottom of my remaining foot. Good thing I just bought a fresh bottle of Bushmills last week. If you need me, I'll be on the couch, watching Dr. Who."Suck it up, Buttercup. My comfort was worth it."

It's times like this that I realize that I really could use a wood-fetcher/basement-cleaner/dog-smacker around the house. So if you're a smoking hot female interested in applying for the job, drop me a line. Applicants with their own French Maid attire and gun-cleaning experience will receive priority consideration.


  1. ML, Get yourself a pair of Vibram Five Fingers shoes for the rare occasions when your hopping on the one foot. I’ll hazard a guess that if you write the company and tell them your story they’ll send you one as a sample.
    Now to the crux, I’m puzzled by the physical difficulties you’ve encountered with the fit and wear of your prosthetic foot. Your active and fit so I’d have thought that to be a plus, is it instead a cause of increased friction in the leg sleeve?
    I’ve a friend who lost his leg serving as a medic in Afghanistan and his prosthetic leg attaches above where the knee once was. He is also fully active and only occasionally has the slightest of limps and he does the one foot hop too. If your ever traveling my way let me know I’ll introduce you to him, he’s a force of nature.

  2. After a couple of weeks in the kitchen as Hop Sing after the knee surgery I do not know how you do it.

    I did put on my Citadel sweatshirt and kick butt at the physical therapists (there is nothing for motivation like finding out your copay for each visit is $75).

    Then I came home and made bacon scones. Hop Hop.

  3. Well, you do what you have to, and as usual you completed the task, albeit a bit later than planned. Sorry to hear about the glass, but I'm sure the alcohol will cure what ails ya!

  4. Don't be so negative. Your brave and selfless act of sucking up the broken glass kept poor Murphy from having a pad injury...and don't think he doesn't appreciate it!

  5. Somewhere out there, in the land of temporary hysterical blindness, there is a picture of yours truly in a dress. It had to with football and Seniors and hazing in the era where such was expected and even encouraged.

    I am not smoking hot.

    I do however have a strong back and can clean a gun like no one's business.

    As for the french maids outfit? Well, maybe. How much booze you got?

    You are now free to contemplate a bald, hairy, 52 year old, 250 pound man wearing black frills, lace and carrying a feather duster.

    You're welcome. The brain bleach is in the wash room.

  6. @ Sport Pilot: The last leg was well past it's replacement date, and while the current one usually fits like a glove and causes no problems, this time I seem to have hit my knee on something at just the right spot to raise a bruise, which became a blister before I realized the problem and stopped trying to walk on it. Not a fit problem per se...just one of those things. It happens. But 95% of the time, There's no issue.

    @ Brigid: $75 co-pay? Yowch! But keep on keeping on. It gets easier. And you'll get better, so no worries. Now about those bacon treats...Can they be mailed?

    @NFO: It usually always does...and if I drink enough, I don't even mind if it doesn't.

    @ Ed: You'd think that the $95 I just dropped at the pet store for food, treats and a toy would suffice. (Proof again that there's no such thing as a free dog.)

    @ Six: What has been seen cannot be unseen. Now where's my Bushmills?

  7. Teach the dog fetch wood. Make him earn his keep....good luck with that one.

  8. I use one crutch to make over-nightly 'visits' when I'm barefoot. (I usually requires at least one visit)
    When shoed, don't need it.
    I used two crutches Frosh year in HS, when I had the leg brace. Got so I could walk with just the crutches!
    Crunching on glass on the one good foot sounds like a poor idea.
    Must be in the water - first Brigid, then you. GEEZ!

  9. Yeeeeouch! Get well ASAP! Bushmill's will definitely help :)

  10. Good luck finding a smoking hot female who would be able to throw a 40# bags of pellets over her shoulder and carry it up from the basement, wrestle with Murphy, and thinks finders keepers when cool gun stuff appears in strange places all over the house. Suppose that depends on what you think of as smoking hot. Harsh reality is that she will probably not be a 5'11" 105# supermodel.

    If she answers your ad wearing a flannel shirt instead of a french maid's uniform, Murphy will probably get to her first, unless you hurry up and heal quickly.

    Hope you have some friends where you are who will lend a hand and carry up a few days worth of pellets to tide you over until things heal. Get well soon!

  11. "Applicants with their own French Maid attire and gun-cleaning experience will receive priority consideration."

    I hear the #Occupy people need jobs!
    Just kidding.

  12. Of course there is always Ashley...

  13. @rremington: She's hired.

  14. Dude- Really? I can't hop on both legs with 40 pounds of something on my shoulder. I recommend more application of alcohol (internal) for your injury.

    As to your domestic help want ad? Let me know if you get more than one!