Thursday, September 20, 2012

Why my house is always dirty

There's a reason that I seldom vacuum the Lair. That reason weighs 90lbs or so and goes by the name of Audie Murphy.

Today I was vacuuming anyway, despite him, because I've got company coming for this week-end's shoot. And typically, Murphy was acting a fool, either chasing the vacuum wand around the floor and trying to get in front of it or grab it, or, if confined outside, barking like mad at it through the window. Murphy really doesn't like the vacuum.

Now Murphy is a sneaky little S.O.B.. If he can't engage the vacuum head-on when I'm trying to use it, he'll wait until I've turned it off and walked away, and then he'll pounce on it while it's "sleeping". Several times I've heard a commotion and came into the room to catch him shaking the vacuum's hose back and forth, trying to kill it before it awakens and resumes cleaning the floor.

Sigh. Dogs.

Well this time I'd put him out on the deck as I went to vacuum the stairs and upper rooms. However I'd left the sliding door ajar a few inches, and Murphy apparently managed to get a paw or his nose in the opening and levered the door open enough to facilitate entry. Then he attacked his nemesis, striking from behind by grabbing it's power cord.

My first indication of this latest assassination attempt on my appliance was when the vacuum tank at the top of the stairs suddenly lurched backward and toppled down the steps with a crash. Naturally the tank broke open and dust and dirt and dog hair went everywhere. All I could do was give myself a facepalm as, down in the living room, a German Shepherd was doing a victory dance. And this one's on me. He's done this to me before and I should have taken better precautions.

Why can't I just have a normal dog like everyone else?

The vacuum bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat.
And he laid that ton of dog hair on the ground at Murphy's feet.
Murphy said: "Vacuum just come on back if you ever want to try again.
"cause I told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best there's ever been."

With apologies to Charlie Daniels.


  1. lolol!!!

    In my house Apollo tries to pretend it doesn't scare him (testosterone poisoning affects dogs as well as men), while Arty bounces around just outside of reach trying to gather the courage to attack....

  2. HA! Happened last year about this time, yes?

  3. LOL, you 'know' you love him, otherwise he'd have already been stuffed and standing over the mantle! :-)

  4. Lol and I can't believe I miss out on meeting him again:( oh and you:)

  5. Perhaps he was upset that the dog hair he spent oh so many hours sprinkling upon your floors was being taken up.

  6. Anonymous8:50 PM

    Normal dog? In my experience, there ain't no such thing.


  7. LOL I actually read that last little bit with the music playin in the background of my noggin.

    Mine just leave the room when the vacuum is running. The younger one is much MUCH more annoying when there's a pizza crust in the house. Or if he thinks there's one. *sigh*

  8. No, your house is always dirty because until you met me you hadn't even discovered a Swiffer, ferpetessake! ;)

    Tucker is kind of afraid of the vacuum cleaner. Whenever the thing comes on, he runs downstairs and hides with one of the kids, which is hilarious, considering it's a small-ish canister thing that doesn't even make that much noise, and he's a 160lb Saint Bernard!

  9. Anonymous11:04 PM

    Buy him some ice cream for vanquishing his foe

  10. We have hardwood floors.

    If we let the shedding go on long enough, it kinda looks like carpeting.


  11. Anonymous9:35 AM

    We have The Jak..
    He hates the vacumn and attempts to kill whenever it is turned on.