Some people just exist to entertain the rest of us

This past weekend, I had a group of people come out to my property to see the mines. For a small donation to the restoration fund, I decided to show them around a bit. I agreed to meet them down by the country road and lead them up some old abandoned roads to a site. But had I realized how entertaining they were going to be, I might have donated to them. 

They came out, a group of ten, in three vehicles. When I got to the pull-out where we were meeting, one of the drivers, Simon, was inspecting the bottom of his Hyundai, which he’d just damaged by driving over a rock on the ground. 

This is the desert. We got rocks. A lot of rocks. They just lie around and most of us avoid them. But Simon took this one on and damaged his front bumper, the skirting beneath it, and the skirting inside his left rear fender well. I guess he wasn’t very good at the game “Rock, Paper, Scissors, Plastic” because everyone knows that rock ALWAYS beats plastic. 

But the day was fresh and everyone was excited to see the place so they decided to fret about that later and I led them three miles to the site. On the way up, Simon bottomed out again on a washed-out road section and tore a faux skid plate loose from the bottom of his car. This plate came loose because his wife Stacy, also present, had hit something with it a few months prior and some mechanic on the cheap reattached it with zip-ties as a temporary fix until she could get it properly repaired. Of course she did not get it properly repaired, because she assumed that since it was on. It was fixed for good. So she didn’t get it repaired or tell Simon. Fast forward to this morning, and now she’s fessing up, but the car is still kinda jacked out here 50 miles from the nearest shop. And then when they’re quibbling amongst themselves about this, someone else in the group “helpfully” suggests that it probably would have held longer had Simon not hit the earlier rock. Now EVERYONE jumps into this argument except me, and I’m just standing back with my donation money figuring out how best to explain my “no refunds” policy, when someone notices that the Chevrolet Equinox that Tyler drove up in is sitting on a completely shredded rear tire. Apparently it went flat some time back and NO ONE NOTICED, not even him or his passengers. So now the tire is just rubber shreds around a trashed rim. 

Yes, these are city folks. Out of Los Ángeles. Surprise. 

so now Brian, the only apparent Alpha in the group, gets everyone focused and oversees a tire change on the Equinox (yeah, have fun going back to LA on that donut) and then he jacks up the Hyundai and uses some wire from my tool kit to fix the hanging plate. He works fast and well and I’m impressed, but the whole time he’s running a monologue about people who can’t drive or maintain vehicles and he’s pissing some of the other people off. 

No refunds. 

Finally he’s done, and everyone is cross, but I start my tour intro and get most everyone focused back on why we’re here. The cars are forgotten as I take them in and lead them down what I call a “bunny trail” tour that requires no crawling or climbing. They get into it, and two hours later when we emerge, everyone is in good spirits. I get thanked and everyone gets back in their cars, but Tyler doesn’t want to descend the road on his donut so he begs Brian to drive it down to the pavement done eight miles away. Brian makes a u-turn to get out of our parking area and runs right over a stone fire circle someone had built, literally the only obstacle on a flat parcel the size of a football field. Remember how Rock beats Plastic?  Well it broke off the bottom of the SUV’s bumper and then punched in the lower section of the air conditioner condenser. Cue escaping Freon. Enjoy your drive back through Death Valley with no a/c. 

The last thing I heard as I was leaving was Brian cursing and Tyler asking him about whether or not his insurance company was going to fix that. 

Yeeks!